Tribute to the Awesome League

I wrote this poem directly via email to the Awesome League in preparation for our Nov Bday Party, but as I've discovered more and more lately, it's actually quite applicable for any obstacle that may cross our tribe's path:

We have I fear put on our fear
and watched it build a tower
By now it's grown to unknown
heights twisted and sour

But come what may this coming day
Will give us all the chance
To find a way to drop dismay
And on top the tower, dance!

So come together overcome
the fearsome and the fright
We are a family as ever was one
with powers that unite.

Yes stand with me and you will see
the party can go on
For we are the Awesome League
and together ever strong!

Worthwhile

I've spent my whole life trying to help my parents understand who I am, in the hope they might see my worth. I've spent my whole life defending my worth to my grandmother, who never believed I had any. And I spent my whole life trying to live up to the expectations of my sisters who, in my eyes, had far more worth than I ever would. But never before in my life have I been blessed to have so many people in my life who truly appreciate my worth, and help me accept my own worth for myself (which is far more important) - people who make me feel worthwhile. I was reminded of this again today, and so I find it excellently appropriate & relevant now to share with you the Facebook note I wrote in tribute to my dearest friends one crazy Monday in the office...

Sept 27, 2010: A Message of Gratitude & Love

I've been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks, since the burn and the post-frenzy of stress and sickness. As you may know, I have been struggling lately with issues of the heart, work over commitment, time management, career path and my worth, and so on. And as I've attempted to get a handle on all this, develop a plan to regain my sanity, I couldn't help but realize there is one part of my life that does not bring me stress... the one part that is the glue keeping me clumsily together... and that, my dear friends, is you.

I could never have imagined myself so lucky to be surrounded by such an extraordinary plethora of loving, intelligent, perceptive, strong and inspired people as you all are! I have come to depend on each of you in some way (and you know I'm not so good with depending on people). I am so unbelievably grateful for the support and guidance you each have given me, in your own way, in whatever part of my disjointed life I've unloaded to you.

I know this is an incredibly cheesy note, and I'm not normally this gushy (well at least not while sober), but it's just become so apparent to me through all this recent self-reflection time I've had - that I could never have gotten this far without you - and I felt compelled this very moment to tell you.

No matter where we go from here, or how often we connect... no matter what our context or how our story continues... each and every one of you is an incredible and essential force in my life, and I never want you to forget that.

May you each find the peace & sanity you search for, and know always that you are loved.

Rebecca

The Looming Gloom

Do you ever feel like crying for no reason? Does the urge to break down in tears ever hit you without really knowing why? I’ve been feeling very lost and sad lately, but in as much as the sadness has been acute, it has also been equally without logical justification. I can’t say why I’ve been feeling so gray, but that doesn’t make it any less real or frightening.

You might say that I’m much like San Francisco, and my mood much like its weather. I never know what each day will bring, and the range is quite bizarre. There are those seemingly random days where the sun shines brilliantly and all is warm and bright. On those days, my spirits are up and the whole world around me is abuzz with activity and expectation. But as every SF native knows, those days are rare and fleeting, and soon the city will return itself to its most common caliginous state. A fog settles over me and everything seems to grow dull and dreary. Colors lose their vibrancy, goals become hazy, even people seem less interesting. And above all, motivation for forward movement feels exceptionally bleak.

When days like this hit, and they do hit often, I’ve often found solace in the perfectly packaged bliss of a good predictable film. So with this new development of inexplicable depression, I’ve been watching many such movies in an effort to… well I don’t know what, really. Usually, I say it’s an escape from the troubles of my own life, a chance to immerse myself in someone else’s problems for a while. But the truth is, maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe it’s that I don’t even know what my problems are, so I watch these movies to see if mine might relate to what the characters suffer from. Perhaps these films might jog my memory or give more purpose to my own.  Or maybe I’d just rather adopt their fictional reasons for being sad, so that when I cry, I actually know what the hell I’m crying for. It may not be the healthiest thing to do, and I’m sure someone will tell me I’m just avoiding the real issue, and rather ought to buck up and face my own issues than try to drown them in someone else’s imagination.

But at this moment, and in the moments I’m watching those movies, I just want to believe in this feeling that I’m actually getting somewhere, anywhere, through the looming gloom. And right now, I’m going to say that any progress is good progress.

Unrequited Sleep

My body kept me awake until 8am this morning. No really, I’m not exaggerating – I wish I were. Last night, I lay me down to sleep round about midnight as usual, and proceeded to lie there… for 8 hours! The previous night, I also lay awake far longer than normal, but 5 hours of counting sheep seems slightly less ridiculous when you imagine staying awake against your will until both the sun and the entire productive world have fully risen. Even my cat gave up on me eventually and drifted off to her own mouse-filled neverland, cozily curled up against my restless legs. All the house was still, the usual late night bass from down the hall having retired some time ago, and the only remaining sound to keep me company now was the ticking second hand of my wall clock.

And I mean, I tried everything. I tried not thinking, I tried not thinking about not thinking. Then I tried actually letting myself think, about anything and everything I could think of. I tried breathing deeply. I tried counting my breaths. I even tried the good old reliable sheep counting. Nothing worked. Daydreaming usually does the trick for me, quieting all the other voices in my head and letting me drift into another fantastical world. But even that failed me last night.

Last night, I was being punished. Though I honestly can’t say what for. See, I’ve been getting a solid 10 hours of sleep nearly every night for the last two weeks. I’ve been faithfully going to bed by 12 or 1am each night, and waking around 10 or 11am each morning. I was paying off my very large long-standing sleeping debt, appealing to the slumber bookies. I was trying to get my health back on track, do good by my body for once. And this is what I get? This is how I’m rewarded for actually trying to take care of myself? You might as well just end the foreplay now and tell me that it’s hopeless, that I’ll be a weak miserable wretch the rest of my life.

Naturally, about 5am, I saw the pattern from the night before repeating itself, and I decided I had to do something. So I reluctantly rose (for as awake as I was, I was still extremely weary) and attempted to occupy myself in the hopes of tiring. I signed online, found the one friend still awake and tried to engage in some friendly chatter. I went to the kitchen to consider a (very) late night snack. I went to the bathroom and re-brushed my teeth. I danced around my room like a marionette in the hands of an epileptic. I must have looked like a complete fool, but I had to do something! I don’t know how long I went on. But when I finally ran out of fresh ideas, I slumped back to bed, nestled deep into those familiar flannel sheets, and closed my eyes.

And still nothing! Not even the slightest faded feeling. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever fall asleep again. I’m lying here, physically exhausted, mentally wiped, psychologically drained, and now I'm actually starting to imagine that I'll be stuck like this forever. I don’t know what else I can do. It’s maybe the first time in a very long time that I’ve felt unequivocally utterly lost and alone. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt like all your hard work, all the hopes you harvested, all the time you’ve invested, all of it was worth nothing? All is wasted in the end and can no more bring you solace than a fish can fly. You are what you are ever and always, and no amount of desperate effort can change that. In this moment, and the lifetime of moments ahead of me, I will forever be an incomplete restless soul.

I suppose that’s the message I’m supposed to take from this. No matter how hard I may grit my teeth and brave through the labyrinth of my twisted mind, no matter how long I try to give my body rest, in the end I will still be the same person with the same defects and the same unrequited dreams.

It’s all worth nothing… And if nothing is at stake, then nothing can be lost. So to be lost myself is to have nothing to lose, and thus everything to gain. I know that may make no sense, but I was up till 8am this morning, so you’ll have to forgive me.

Self-Validation

I went to a movie by myself today. It was a sort of social experiment. Except this time I wasn’t analyzing how people interact, or how I interact with other people. Quite the opposite. This time I was trying to uncover something much more important and much harder to pinpoint - how I interact with myself and hopefully, ultimately, what it is that I’m really searching for. Believe me, I realize that’s a lot to hang on one 2 hour matinee.

So I drive myself to the theater with the nervous anticipation of a kid starting their first day at school. I keep reminding myself that I’m doing this for myself and nobody else. But I can’t help wonder what other people at the theater might think of me, or how pathetic I’m sure this will look to them. But I buy my ticket for one with my head high and the confidence of this decision in my heart. I can feel their eyes on me as I calmly purchase a snack and make my way into Theater 4.

Or at least I think this is Theater 4. I’m so preoccupied with these thoughts that I don’t really notice the theater number I just walked into. But now I’m inside, and I’ve walked far enough in that the other people in their seats can now see me. And now I don’t want to look lost or stupid by walking back out to double check. So I hesitate for a second, take a deep breath, and then as boldly as I can muster make a beeline for my assigned seat.

That’s the great thing about the Kabuki Theater. You get to pick an assigned seat. So even when the theater is nearly empty, and you normally have to try and decide where to sit relative to the few others in the theater, you don’t have to worry about any of that here. You've already picked your place in advance, so the hard part's taken care of. You can walk confidently to that exact seat without thinking twice or questioning your identity for a second.

I sit down in my usual favorite seat, my sweet spot. You know, that exact middle seat in the first row of the back section. The row with no rows in front of it, only that staunch metal railing that's so handy for resting one's feet without fear of annoying some unsuspecting person in front of you. Once I’ve settled into my little oasis, however, the concern about the correctness of the theater returns. So I swallow my pride and turn to the pair of guys behind me (who are the only other people in the theater by the way). Very calmly, I ask ‘This is Theater 4 right?’ They smirk and reply, ‘Yep, Theater 4. So if you’re here to see Love and Other Drugs, you’re in the right place.’

I thank them, relieved, and turn back around to resume my privacy. The two guys continue with their interrupted conversation, and I begin to notice myself eavesdropping. I catch a few words I recognize, and I have a momentary urge to turn back around and pipe in my two cents. But then I catch myself. I’m not here to learn about interacting with other people. To be honest, I already know I’m good at that. No, I’m here to learn how to interact with myself, while the self is in a particularly uncomfortable place for a self to be alone.

So I sit still and try to focus on myself. But what the hell does that really mean? I try sitting silently, blocking out the ambient noise and conversation around me. My thoughts start to wander and, as usual, I start to think about my schedule. I think about what I plan to do with the rest of my day after the movie. I think about Christmas gift shopping and what errands I’ll need to run tomorrow. All trivial things, you'll notice, about what might happen in the future. As usual, I am failing at letting myself just be present, in the present, with myself. And the failure of it starts to upset me. So naturally, the next stage of frustration and self-doubt sets in. And then the fidgeting starts.

By the time my phone rings, I’m starting to go a little mad, wondering when the hell this damn movie is ever going to start. But saved by the ring. It’s Gayle. She’s returning my call from earlier to talk about plans for the week. I pick up, but warn her right away that I'm at a movie that may start any second. So we agree to hang up and just have her leave me a message. Disappointed at my loss of a momentary distraction, I reluctantly hang up and return to my former state of anxiety.

I’m just about to sink back into its familiar depths, when the big screen springs to life and the previews begin. I can hardly contain my sigh of relief and happily nestle into my seat, my Sour Patch Kids ready on my lap and my feet comfortably perched on that trusty railing. The movie is typical but good, with the usual storyline of a decent romantic drama. Boy meets Girl. Boy is a messed up commitment-phobe. But wait, so is Girl! So Boy and Girl start getting it on. But then, of course, strings start to attach themselves, and Boy falls for Girl. Girl is wary and doesn’t let herself fall, until Boy starts to doubt. Then Girl finally gives in, as Boy starts to get scared. Girl sees Boy get scared, and breaks it off in tears. And we reach the point in the drama where it is socially acceptable for audience members to cry. Then time passes, and Boy realizes what he’s lost. So Boy chases after Girl, tracks her down and confesses his undying love, at which point you can bet every woman in the audience is pumping the water works. (Though weirdly enough, I'm the only woman in this audience.) And it all ends happily and neatly, as we all expect it to, though we complain endlessly about how archaically unoriginal it all is.

The credits roll and, as expected, I’m in tears. Yes, I cried when Jake Gyllenhaal set his true pale blue eyes deep into Anne Hathaway’s and declared that he needs her. But what's more, I'd also come out of my movie trance without any deeper understanding of my life beyond the usual, ‘oh why can’t that be me?’ thought. And I must admit, I’m a bit disappointed. But what did I expect? I come to the movies – people come to the movies – most often as an escape from daily life, not as a means to dig deeper into it. So why did I think this experience would be any different.

I sit through all the credits, as I always do, and try to catch glimpses of the names scrolling by. I listen to the song in the credits, and I hear Regina Spektor sing ‘I never loved nobody fully / Always one foot on the ground.’ And I smile to myself, feeling for that brief second my story told in those few lines. And when the credits finish, I dry my eyes, pack up my trash, and walk slowly out of the theater. I’m calm, but the disappointment still lingers. Now, on top of the usual automatic depression from seeing an unrealistically happy ending movie, I also have the addition of something worse – the heavy truth that my experiment failed.

I get to the bottom of the stairs and decide to pop into the bathroom for a quick pee and face check. This only makes me feel worse, as I now also have the reassurance that the zits on my face have gotten noticeably redder. And let me digress for a second to say how ridiculous it is! Depression and stress have been proven to increase acne, but then the presence of the acne causes even more depression and stress. It’s such an unfair, unnecessary, vicious cycle.

Anyway, coming out of the bathroom, I remember that I should get my parking pass validated before leaving. So I pull out the little pink slip and head to the ticket counter. There is only one woman working just then, and she is clearly in no hurry whatsoever. So I get to stand there patiently while the couple in front of me puzzle excessively over which seats they should select to maximize their movie experience. (So maybe there is a downside to having assigned seats here after all).

I’m trying not to be annoyed when I look to my right, and there on the edge of the counter is the damn ticket validation stamp, positioned all nice and friendly right there so you can do it yourself! What a brilliant idea! I waited all this time, only to find out that... well it really doesn’t matter now. So I walk nonchalantly up to the counter, stick in my ticket, and stamp it with my own validation.
 
And then it hits me. I just validated myself! I went through this whole damn experiment, sat through 2 hours of adorably-routine romantic fiction, and gained absolutely nothing new or insightful out of it - until this! All it was for, all I really wanted out of this experience was simply that: self-validation. I went to a movie by myself today. No scratch that. I went to a movie for myself today. And in the end, I found self-validation. And I wore that smug self-satisfied smile on my face the whole drive home.

The Brave Shall Inherit The Earth

I’m not sure how to take what I’m reading in David Whyte’s book ‘The Three Marriages.’ In this particular chapter on ‘Youth’s First Glimpse of the Self,’ Whyte describes how the fantastical mind of the youthful man or woman sees far horizons and possibilities rather than obstacles, while looking to make friends with the world and the people in it. He seems to mention all this as some long ago lost dream, a gift these youth take for granted, and don’t appreciate ‘until it is gone.’

So does this mean the author is assuming his readership, the average person searching this book for answers, is of an older age more akin to his? Does he intend this book for a more mature audience, than say, myself?  If so, and if I assume correctly, then I could see this as further proof that I am attempting this journey especially early in life.

Indeed I believe many of my recently dear friends, who are several years my senior, have been able to connect so well with me partly because they share the same current quest. And although I flatter myself they don’t consider me younger, they have said it is rather fortunate I’m taking on this challenging self-adventure at such a young age.

So I suppose I should count myself lucky. But luck isn’t the only thing to do with it. Inspired by this, I would like to believe that I really am ‘wise beyond my years’ and have achieved a state of self-awareness indispensable on such an introspective journey, which people rarely boast at my age.

But I confess I still doubt myself even now. The road twists on itself, and darkness falls when you least expect it, and in an instant my world can go from hopeful and whimsical to bleak and dreary. It’s hard, on such a road, to keep your head high. I should remember that so early an undertaking is a testament to my power and potential. It should be strengthening my drive, fueling me forward. And I know there will come a time on this journey when I will be forced to confront my demons and face down these guilty fears. I know this, and still today I falter.

Yet I have true guides both about me and within me. And when it truly matters, I know neither will fail me. I do have great power and potential, and though I’m not yet able to fully grasp them, each day brings me closer.

They say the meek shall inherit the earth. But I rather think it will be the truly aware and courageous who will be most deserving and triumphant.

Retroactive Freedom

I realized something very important about myself today. I'm waiting in Safeway for my sister Mary to join me on our first guided Rebecca's-becoming-an-adult grocery shopping trip, and I'm looking at my phone as usual. I remembered that the work I'd gotten done that afternoon - which mind you was still very productive - was not what I'd originally calendared myself to work on. So naturally I wanted to make sure I adjusted my day's schedule to account for this. As I'm doing that, it hits me. I do this a lot! And by this, I mean retroactively update my schedule to reflect what I actually end up doing each day. I lay out my whole day's schedule with that I intend to do. And then I do something else!

So what, you may ask, is the point of setting a schedule in the first place? Well what's really going on here, I realized, is the stronger desire in me to reject routine. You see, I carefully construct these detailed daily schedules largely so that I will then have something to reject! OK so true, they also help me motivate into a productive mindset. And true, I do tend to get more done on the days I've calendared myself work time. But the more important thing to note here is that no matter what that scheduled work time specified, I almost always work on something entirely different with that time. Amazing!

So in actuality, I don't really like structure or preparation or planning at all! The truth is I just can't help but do those things out of instinct. But then the deeper desire to be impulsive kicks in, and I reject that which I myself just organized. Then, as mentioned earlier, I retroactively update my schedule as I go, which in the end feels quite satisfying I have to say. So it may seem unnecessarily counter-intuitive to you, but to me, it's a way I know how to give myself a small daily dose of freedom.

This Is My Time

Just because I'm on 'medical' leave doesn't mean I have to act ill and stay in bed all day. I should be using this time to feel alive again, remember what it was like to be vibrant, ravishing, intoxicating, energetic, vivacious, bold and beautiful. I used to be such a woman on fire. Where did that passion go? This leave is time to rekindle myself, bring myself back to life, both mentally and physically. I am not going to let me just lie around and waste away this opportunity. If I don't do this now, I'll never get that part of me back; that me that I was once so proud of; that me that could light up the room with a smile; that presence that distinguished me, made me someone unique. This is my time, this is me, and I'm going to live it up!

A Storyteller

I am a storyteller. It's funny to realize this has always been true, though I'm just now putting my finger on it. And it runs deeper than simply identifying myself as a 'writer' or a 'dancer.' I am still those things, but at the core of them, the motivation behind them, is this innate desire to tell a story. It's amazing how much this explains! Whenever I endeavor to communicate information, I always set the scenario, mix in some suspense, and try to take anyone who'll listen on a journey with me. And the purest joy I get in the end is watching their faces as they react to the story's conclusion. Whatever I say, however I move, in everything I am telling a story. It's why I daydream so much, why I miss acting, why I love to escape in books and films, and why I take so long to explain something (*grin*)... Because to me, there is nothing like a good story, that captures the soul, challenges the heart, delights the eye, rolls off the tongue, intrigues the mind, and in the end, changes everything you though you knew about yourself. That what makes a great story. And that's what I want to give to the world.

Eat, Pray, Love

Last night, two lovely ladies and myself sat down at the Awesome House to watch the movie Eat, Pray, Love starring Julia Roberts. I absolutely adored the book, but had not yet had the chance to see the movie, so I literally bounced up and down when Gayle suggested the idea. Watching the movie brought back so many thoughts and emotions that I'd forgotten since first reading the book. So I went and dug up the diary entry I'd written back in April as an immediate reaction to the book. Reading now over the old familiar words, I am struck by how much they still relate, and possibly even more so, to my current state.

April 2, 2010
WARNING: The following diary entry is very long. :)

Shortly after celebrating my 26^th anniversary, I decided to pick up 'Eat Pray Love,' which I’d been given as a Christmas gift a few months earlier but had yet to crack open – and not surprisingly as this was just one in a tall stack of books I’ve had every intention (and only intention) of reading in the last few years – so honestly, the fact that I took it up a mere 3 months after being given it is pretty remarkable and demonstrative of how eager I was to read the thing.

So here I am reading this New York Times Bestseller... and it’s actually speaking to me. I mean really resonating with me, in the kind of way that makes you re-evaluate every choice you’ve made to come to the method by which you lead your current existence. (phew!) I’m actually discovering things about myself. I’m realizing it may not be entirely out of my hands that I’ve been so unhappy lately. If Liz, the book’s protagonist, can overcome such depression – if practices such as meditation and Yoga truly are built on the foundation of mastering and letting go of one’s suffering – then perhaps I too can, as the Sanskrit mantra goes, honor the divinity that resides within me.

Ideas are starting to form as well. Perhaps I should try changing up my routine. I mean, honestly, I’ve been doing the same basic routine for 3 years now, the 3 years I’ve been working at this company, living the 9-5 (or rather more 8-6) life a corporate minion is supposed to. And I’ve had a headache for the past 3 years. Coincidence? I think not. Perhaps it is time for a change of pace.

Now, I feel I should preface this by saying that I am no stranger to change. In fact, you could say that over the course of my 26 year-journey, I’ve more often been inclined towards change. For example, I’ve dyed my hair just about every typical hair color imaginable – all shades of blonde, red, brunette, black, even orange – I tend to want to run from relationships after a month or two, and every 6 months I’m prone to entirely questioning and refocusing my career goals.

So the idea of changing the pace of my life should be a relatively natural concept. I should be able to wrap my head around this, so why does it seem so foreign to me? Or more interestingly, why haven’t I ever thought to do this before? I do love change, so why is this different?

This early in the journey, I am ill-equipped to answer all these questions buzzing about in my noggin. So I must content myself that my journey will help me strive to answer these along the way. And so I move on, or return as it were, to the ideas that had begun forming themselves in my curious mind. Now ‘Eat Pray Love’ is divided into 108 sections (the number of prayer beads on Indian japa malas) that represent each of Liz’s personal discoveries, but I don’t quite feel like writing that many. So I’ve committed to outlining just 3, which is the purest divisible number of 108.

One: Early to bed & early to rise.
I need to completely change the hours of my daily routine. Living in a lively, social city like San Francisco, I’ve slowly become more of a night-owl, going out on weekends (and often weekdays) until well past midnight, partying and dancing and drinking till I can’t feel anymore – because that’s what everyone does. Then when my alarm goes off at 6:30am for work, I wake up grumpy and groggy, ill-pleased with the concept of getting my day going.

So the idea is to change my conception of a reasonable bedtime, aiming to start my REM cycle by 10pm every night (yes, I realize this makes me seem like a tired old hag). And though I may not actually achieve this, it will at least get me to bed earlier than I do now. Shoot for the moon, and you’ll at least hit the stars.

Then in conjunction with this, I plan to set my alarm for 6am every weekday morning (8am on weekends). I will likewise also likely sleep in a bit past this, but again it will get me up and about earlier than I’ve been doing now. And although I’m not much of a morning person, I do notice that the days I get up earlier, I tend to feel more productive and positive throughout the day. And who knows, perhaps this new routine will eventually help me get over that morning mental block.

So that’s settled. Now on to Two: Meditate daily.
I’ve come to the realization that I talk far too much. Even when no one’s around to hear me, I quite often end up talking to myself… out loud. And I’m always on the go, always busy. Literally every time someone asks me ‘how’ve you been?’ my reply is always ‘oh you know, the usual… busy.’ I need to slow down, I need to push the pause button on my life from time to time… and be ok with it. I need to learn to sit down, relax, and let go.

It’s more than just meditating. That’s the initial idea, or the main method by which I plan to practice this, but what it really boils down to is that I need to learn how to be still and listen. I want to be able to stay still for a while, and just observe, be a witness to everything – my surroundings, the people I interact with, my own thoughts. Only then can I truly understand them, and be at peace. Only then can I learn how to avoid the nagging stress always preying on me. Only then will I find the balance I need to live a healthy, compassionate life amidst the busyness.

And lastly, Three: Identify what I really want (ignoring what I’ve been told I should want)
I began to touch on this in Two, expressing my want to be able to sit still and listen, but this is really a vast enough topic to warrant its own section. I want to figure out what it is I really want, for myself. And then go for it. And so I’ve begun a small list, which I add to every time the moment strikes me, or something I read resonates with me and sparks a new desire. I first reflect on it, to make sure it is truly something I want myself, and not just something that’s generally regarded as good to want. But once determined to be my own, I write it down, and this is what I have so far:

I want:
to find spirituality, or recognize the spirituality I already have
to feel excited upon waking for the prospect of each day
to honor the divinity that resides within me (‘Om Namah Shivaya’)
to find the right balance in my life, live harmoniously amid extremes
the patience to sit back and let things happen, take them as they come
to be able to let someone in without second guessing it
to be able to accept my negative thoughts, and let them pass
to feel beautiful in my own skin
to feel the daily work I do has a real lasting impact on people’s lives, building a better world
to better cherish and deepen the few really valuable relationships in my life, quality versus quantity 

This Rocky Road of Mine

In some ways, I see the absurdity of my plan. No one ever really figured out their life's mission by just sitting down and thinking about it. It came to those 'enlightened' people through opportunities that presented themselves as they went on living their lives, most likely through a combination of timing and luck. It probably did not come as some great epiphany while they sat idly in reflection. So no matter how hard I try, or how long I take, or how much I ponder, I must accept that I will likely not find the answer I want this way. All I can do is now adjust my expectations and instead aim for a better understanding of my current position; what I can do in the very immediate 'now' to better achieve a healthy contented state of being. Hopefully that will lead me to ideas for the best next step to take. Many ideas will surface, but ultimately, if I am to get back out there and open up the possibility for such opportunities, I'm going to have to, as my friend Sarah so poignantly put it, 'just pick something and run with it.' And once I hit that ground running, I'll stumble more and more next steps that will eventually pave the road in the direction of what I am searching for. It may be a rocky road, but at least it will finally be mine.

Ending the Vicious Cycle

I wish I could be like those people who get excited to wake up at the crack of dawn, jumping out of bed at the sound of their alarm, business suit ready to tackle another productive day at the office. Ah, those happy corporate drones, finding accomplishment sitting at a desk, working on a computer all day, writing a few redundant emails here, attending some pointless meetings there, making the cogs in the wheels of revenue generation turn.

Why couldn't I be just as happy doing that?

Why instead do I have to feel suffocated and unmotivated in such an environment? I physically ache at the idea of submitting purchase orders and expense reports. I tire too quickly of the endless daily swarm of emails asking this impossible request or that unnecessary question. And all I want to do is get out, just get outside and away from the sounds of monotonous keyboard typing and hushed water cooler gossiping.

I thought loving the company was enough. Believing in the incredible impact Google has on the world's community, how we are changing the game, creating more access and opportunity for more people.

But I've gotten to a point where I just have to face the fact that what I do here does not interest me. I'm pretty sure it never did, to be honest. It was just my way of making my mark in a company that I thought had so much potential to do so much good, that it was worth just getting my foot in the door. And perhaps it still has that potential, but that doesn't change the fact that my day to day remains tedious and distant.

And for that matter, do I even still love Google as I once did? As a young business, it was such an awesome story to tell: the growth and success it reaped so quickly, while maintaining such a philanthropic start-up culture. But now? Now it's become so much like just another large corporation, forced to make tougher decisions and more compromises. Now it's become this large company, desperately trying to still run itself like a small company, and having a terribly conflicted time in the process.

I can't actually make a difference through this company, or at least the kind of difference I think I want to make. I can't manifest that impact I desire from this desk. Not given where the company is now, and the role I play in it.

And I'm tired. I'm exhausted every day that I have to wake up before the sun rises, and sit at my desk typing busily away, while the best part of the day passes serenely by. And then you see, the wearier I get of my job, the less I get done. And the less productive I am, the longer I have to work to finish. And the longer hours I work, the later I get to sleep. And the less sleep I get, the wearier I become. And so it perpetuates, the vicious cycle I've become.

More and more I'm beginning to see that in order to fully restore my health, my energy, my passion for life, the only thing left to do is to no longer be employed in such a job, at such a company, in such an environment.

And so I must conclude, with a somewhat less heavy heart that I expected, that I must now begin planning my inevitable departure from the Google bubble.

Just Be Me

I’ve been so worried all my life about where I’m going, how I’m getting there, if I’ll ever amount to anything, how I can become good at everything, liked by everyone, and on and on...

But now I see that none of that matters if I’m not happy now. I’ve got to stop chasing a ideal that isn’t even mine, stop trying to catch up to an impossible image. I’ve got to find my own dream, even if it means doing something that isn’t that highly rewarded or acknowledged, even if it’s something I didn’t consider before, even if it means letting go of what I’ve been killing myself working towards for the last 26 years.

I don’t want to live on stress anymore, and I don’t want to keep trying to be everything anymore. I just want to be me. I want to figure out what makes me me, and just be that from now on.

I will have to go back to work tomorrow, as my all-to-brief 3 day self stay-cation comes to an end. But let me not forget what I've written here. Let me not lose this precious new nugget of my worth. Just be me, Rebecca, just be me.

Moving Forward

I can’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. The grace & love I was bestowed this last Awesome Weekend, the immense support I’ve been given by a group of infinitely superior human beings, creating an open space for me to completely let go and expose my grotesque vulnerable underbelly. I’ve honestly never been this tuned in to my own weaknesses, let alone so freely shared them with the people around me. And as terrifying as it is, this is the first step. The knowing, the recognizing and releasing of what I've held inside for so long.

The next step is to face it head on; look it deep in the eyes and try to unlock its mystery. The thing is, one can never really overcome their vulnerability. It is a part of us, a part of the whole package that is me, and what makes me real and human and fallible. So I realize I can't just shut it out or win it over, but rather I need to accept it for what it is; be a better person because of it. These weak spots in me are opportunities to grow, to identify where I should be moving forward with my life. And for people like us, forward is the only option. I don't do standing still.

So here I go. Full speed ahead!

We Begin Our Tale...

She was not a very diligent diary keeper, but what she did write, when she did write, went far beyond the average ramblings of man. Her words were sort of sparkling insights into the complex vulnerabilities and admittances of the human psyche, hers as well as the social construct at large, as can only be narrated by a truly neurotic artist. As she typed, her fingers flying across the keys with swift confidence, she would pause a moment to capture the right phrasing, then quickly return focus to the bright screen before her. Within minutes, paragraphs were forming of such significance that may not be fully appreciated for many years. Even so, today we look first back and then forward at the writings and ravings of Rebecca Ahn, as we see the insane brilliance of an at once much beloved and misunderstood woman come to life.

Come with me as we start our journey looking back at what ignited this first monumental passage in Rebecca’s life. Oh it’s not over yet, and I’m sure there will be many more passages to come. But to fully understand, we must first start at the beginning. It’s hard to say where exactly it all began, as it had really been coming on very gradually for years. So I suppose we shall begin our tale on the 25^th of October 2010, on the first day Rebecca decided to take off work in an effort to address the questions threatening to send her carefully balanced self-identity over the edge.