Just Be Me

I’ve been so worried all my life about where I’m going, how I’m getting there, if I’ll ever amount to anything, how I can become good at everything, liked by everyone, and on and on...

But now I see that none of that matters if I’m not happy now. I’ve got to stop chasing a ideal that isn’t even mine, stop trying to catch up to an impossible image. I’ve got to find my own dream, even if it means doing something that isn’t that highly rewarded or acknowledged, even if it’s something I didn’t consider before, even if it means letting go of what I’ve been killing myself working towards for the last 26 years.

I don’t want to live on stress anymore, and I don’t want to keep trying to be everything anymore. I just want to be me. I want to figure out what makes me me, and just be that from now on.

I will have to go back to work tomorrow, as my all-to-brief 3 day self stay-cation comes to an end. But let me not forget what I've written here. Let me not lose this precious new nugget of my worth. Just be me, Rebecca, just be me.

Moving Forward

I can’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. The grace & love I was bestowed this last Awesome Weekend, the immense support I’ve been given by a group of infinitely superior human beings, creating an open space for me to completely let go and expose my grotesque vulnerable underbelly. I’ve honestly never been this tuned in to my own weaknesses, let alone so freely shared them with the people around me. And as terrifying as it is, this is the first step. The knowing, the recognizing and releasing of what I've held inside for so long.

The next step is to face it head on; look it deep in the eyes and try to unlock its mystery. The thing is, one can never really overcome their vulnerability. It is a part of us, a part of the whole package that is me, and what makes me real and human and fallible. So I realize I can't just shut it out or win it over, but rather I need to accept it for what it is; be a better person because of it. These weak spots in me are opportunities to grow, to identify where I should be moving forward with my life. And for people like us, forward is the only option. I don't do standing still.

So here I go. Full speed ahead!

We Begin Our Tale...

She was not a very diligent diary keeper, but what she did write, when she did write, went far beyond the average ramblings of man. Her words were sort of sparkling insights into the complex vulnerabilities and admittances of the human psyche, hers as well as the social construct at large, as can only be narrated by a truly neurotic artist. As she typed, her fingers flying across the keys with swift confidence, she would pause a moment to capture the right phrasing, then quickly return focus to the bright screen before her. Within minutes, paragraphs were forming of such significance that may not be fully appreciated for many years. Even so, today we look first back and then forward at the writings and ravings of Rebecca Ahn, as we see the insane brilliance of an at once much beloved and misunderstood woman come to life.

Come with me as we start our journey looking back at what ignited this first monumental passage in Rebecca’s life. Oh it’s not over yet, and I’m sure there will be many more passages to come. But to fully understand, we must first start at the beginning. It’s hard to say where exactly it all began, as it had really been coming on very gradually for years. So I suppose we shall begin our tale on the 25^th of October 2010, on the first day Rebecca decided to take off work in an effort to address the questions threatening to send her carefully balanced self-identity over the edge.