Ok breathe. Getting a major dose of depression right now, and it’s only adding to this already overwhelming feeling that I can’t put my finger on why. Doesn’t ever really help the situation does it, if you’re already deep in it, and then on top of that, you can’t name what exactly brought it on? I guess I’m just going to have to sit here, as always moping away in inexplicable misery, sorrow, until it passes.
Hold on; just had a thought. Since I’ve already been using this forum for reflection on such troublesome passages of my journey, maybe it’s worth a shot to try writing myself right through this sadness. I know, normally people go through the gloom, and then write about it in retrospect, once having achieved contemplation and a clearer head. But I don’t want to wait. I don’t want this one to be a look back on what went wrong, and how I can grow from it. I want this one to be about what it’s actually like to be in the middle of it, right now, as I weep and type.
So first, what I want to know is why. Why the hell am I so sad? I realize that at the core of it, it’s really just chemical; a chemical imbalance in my brain. Clearly my serotonin levels are a bit depleted right now, and my cortisol levels shooting through the roof. But beyond that, there must be a source to the emotional distress that’s feeding this chemical reaction. And in order to address it, I need to figure out what that is.
Ok, let’s walk through this thing, step by step. What happened today that might have upset me? Well, I did go into work today, which very likely contributed. I’ve already identified this work as damaging to my energy and health. So that probably plays a part in this. But then, it doesn’t really feel like that’s just it. Something tells me it runs deeper than that.
So let’s go back farther. Well, last night’s sleep was rough… again. I had more nightmares… again. More of the same frightening images symbolizing loss of self, freedom, dignity, loved ones, everything I hold dear. More of the terrifying attacks from unknown masked invaders, bent on destroying everything and everyone in my life. But again, I’ve had these many many times. So as upsetting as each one can be, I’m also growing numb with the expectation of each, so the resulting pain has diminishing returns. There’s just got to be something else going on here.
Going even farther back, I realize I need to look at this last weekend. It was by all accounts a superb weekend, full of epic powder, deeply fascinating conversations with awesome friends, and all around good times. So how could any of it have possibly helped bring this on? If I revisit those recent memories, will that reveal anything?
…
Ok wow, I just had to take a moment there to collect myself. It seems it’s actually too distressing to try and answer those questions right now. So I’m going to try a different tactic. I’m instead going to try and describe how I’m feeling right now, and then see if that leads to any deeper understanding of the root cause.
Well for starters, I’m feeling scared. Oh hell, I’m frickin’ terrified right now. I mean, I’m about to take this massive leap, and turn my entire life inside out and upside down. And though I’ve spent the last two months carefully plotting this next course, and though I know what I want and am reasonably assured I have the talent to do it, I’m still human. And I still can’t shake that looming feeling that it’s all going to go horribly wrong. I’m going to step out on this unpredictable ledge, and it’s going to crumble under my feet, and I won’t be able to catch myself before plummeting to my demise.
Come to think of it, this very thought did occur to me once this last weekend. Yes, there’s the tie I was looking for. It was only this once, a very brief, but very intense moment on Sunday night. We were right in the middle of our extremely productive group conversation, when I just stopped cold. I looked at everyone, and then down at my feet, and quietly admitted my fear. It was oddly timed in the conversation to be sure, and rather out of the blue, so what prompted this turn of feeling I can’t say. One minute, I was engaged ever eagerly in my role as scribe for our profoundly intellectual discussion, caught in a trance with my fingers ready and poised over the keyboard. And the next, the spell was broken and replaced with despair.
I get it now! This is the source of my current anxiety. I’m sitting here typing furiously, and I can see through blurry eyes that it’s all because I am human. And that means that I may be planned and prepared for this monstrous life change, but I’ll never really be completely ready. Are we ever really ready to pull the rug entirely out from under our own feet? I guess I just figured I was above that, and I chose to believe all those people telling me I must be so brave to go through with all this. But the truth is, I’m just as scared as anyone else would be. I’m just as wary that this might all actually turn out to be a huge mistake. And even if it doesn’t, I’m afraid knowing I’m just as capable of completely screwing it all up.
Yes I know, I know. I am strong, and I do carry myself with a strength I sometimes don’t even know I have. But even so, there's still inside me that scared little girl who just wants to know that everything’s going to be alright. And it is all going to be alright… isn’t it?
