The Moment of Truth

I’m going back to Google tomorrow. I know it’s only temporary, a necessary prequel to the next exciting adventure of my life’s journey, and yet I can’t help but be nervous. On this, the final day of my perfect little leave, I am sent into a whirlwind of reflection as I desperately try to maintain some sense of sanity and purpose to take this next terrifying leap. Oh it’s terrifying alright. And just as surely, it’s quite a leap. A leap of faith in myself, and my ability to successfully execute on the plan I’ve been spending the last two months carefully crafting, questioning, and rewriting.

You see, it’s one thing to figure out what the hell you want and how to get it – and believe me, that is a challenge in itself – but it’s quite another thing to actually deliver on it. As I’ve mentioned in past blog posts, I am all too aware of this. Even in the beginning, I knew that I could spend all the time in the world (or as much as my therapist would sign off on) pondering and brainstorming and digging into my true self for such answers. But in the end, the real difference would have to come in actually acting on it. Now that moment of truth has arrived, it’s starting to feel a bit daunting.

Have you ever made this huge a change in your life all at once? I feel as if I’m about to launch a complete 180 on myself. Here I am, one month away from leaving the comfortable corporate job I’ve hidden behind for the last 4 years, while simultaneously moving out of the wacky 8-person apartment I’ve been trying to call home.

I’m one month away from redefining my entire lifestyle, going nomad and starving writer status, hoping to scrape by with some shaky foundation of bartending or part-time work.

I’m one month away from abandoning the lifeless cubicle life I’ve discontented myself with and launch headlong into an extremely vigorous and rousing existence of kicking ass and taking names.

I’m one month away from throwing away everything I’ve poured all my sweat, tears and sanity into building over the last 4 years, and starting over from scratch.

Sounds pretty terrifying, doesn’t it?

But you know what’s been the most amazing thing? Despite how apprehensive I may feel about my impending reorg, I’ve found that anyone who’s been patient enough to listen to me explain all this has actually reacted with awe and admiration. Quite an unexpected response, and I’m truly touched. It’s even clearer to me how crucial it is now, as it has been throughout this whole exploration, to know how much my friends believe in me. And it reiterates the theory that such life changes and chances are easiest to execute when you have a strong network around you.

I know I have a rocky road ahead of me. And though guided by a carefully developed plan, I know there will be tough times ahead. So I guess this is me giving thanks, once again, for the encouragement I have and will continue to receive from you all.

And now a moment for reflection. Looking back is only has useful as it is to help you look forward. Mmm yes deep thoughts. The vision in front of me is much clearer now, having done the work to dissect my past. And now that I am moving forward, I know what key themes I have still in play. Naturally there’s the usual family stuff: my parents have never understood me, I hate my grandmother with all my hate being, and I’m terrified anytime I see any indication that I am becoming like them.

Then there’s the other vulnerabilities I have to work towards accepting: my fear of being constantly left behind, left out, and let down, my inability to trust men, my addiction to stress and over-extending myself, and most notably, my fear of being weak (love the irony of that itself being a weakness). I know I run away from commitment, and I cringe at the idea of being tied down. I realize that not always being the leader isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And I’ve learned that sometimes the best therapy is just getting whatever’s inside of you out of hiding and sharing it with people who care. Writing in this blog has taught me that. Sharing with you all has taught me that.

I know I have a lot yet to face, and I’m prepared for the life long trek ahead of me. But I also know I’ve got to take it one step at a time. Because I’ve always had a bad habit of focusing too far in the future, and that’s always had this annoying little side effect of stressing me the hell out. So this time, I’m going to take it slow and steady. That’s what wins the race. I’ve got a monster of a next step ahead of me, and that’s all I’m focusing on right now. And eventually, with all of your support and love, and a steady step, I have hope that I will make it through this alive and kicking, successfully executing this plan I’ve so carefully pieced together.

The moment of truth has indeed arrived. And it all begins tomorrow. Wish me luck!